i know, i know, i know

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since i've updated this blog. Oops! So, what's new with me? Well this whole vegetarian thing is going pretty well. My family still gives me shit from time to time, but it doesn't bother me. Now that I no longer eat meat I have been introduced to new and exciting foods! Oh, and an interesting thing....if I do happen to eat meat....I get sick. Yeah, no lie. The meat tastes horrible too. The other week I was so hungry for chicken all day. I came home from work to find that my mother was fixing, you guessed it, chicken. So I decided I would have a small piece. HORRIBLE IDEA! The chicken was perfectly done, or at least the way I use to like it. But when I bit into it...it tasted raw. It was as if I just picked up a piece of raw chicken and sunk my teeth into it. And just the 2 or 3 bites I had made me so sick to my stomach. Now I can definitely say that I don't crave meat at all.

Oh! Some randomness! I got my labret pierced. That's the space between your chin and bottom lip. I had been thinking about it for a while but kept talking myself out of it. And watching youtube videos and googling all the horrible things that can go wrong doesn't help at all. But I finally did it. It actually didn't hurt. It happened so fast that before my brain could fully register "HOLY FUCKBALLS BATMAN, THERES A NEEDLE THROUGH MY LIP!" it was all done! Taking care of it for the first week wasn't as bad as I expected either. Basically all common sense stuff. The only problem I have is at work. My wonderful place of employment doesn't approve of facial piercings, so mine has to be covered with a band-aide. What is more disturbing...me serving you a latte with a tiny silver ball below my lip, or me serving you a latte with a bandage covering me chin? Oh and I can't really talk with the bandage on. Yea, I rest my case. It is also a HUGE confidence dropper. So many good looking guys come into the store, look at me, then run the other way. I've come close to just sticking my head in the coffee grinder....

Oooh, I would like to mention that I am seeing one of my favorite bands TWICE this summer. I will be seeing Kings of Leon on June 8th (4 days after my bday) and September 8th (8 days before my sisters bday). I'm really really excited! I was hoping to see Tegan and Sara on their U.S. tour but couldn't find anyone to go with me. I'm hoping to see a lot of concerts this summer. Natalie Merchant just released her first album with new material in 7 years. I checked her site to see if she would be touring...she is...and the concert closest to me is sold out. Rah. So next I'm hoping Melissa Etheridge will be touring for her new cd. And I really hope that the next time Sophie B. Hawkins comes around here that she plays at a place that isn't 21+. I know, I'm quite demanding. Bring on the "no wonder you're single" jokes. My good friend Hayley has yet to go to a concert, so this summer, come hell or high water, we are attending Lilith Fair in D.C. Tegan and Sara are suppose to play some shows, if they play the one in D.C. there is a good chance I'll totally geek out.

Well, I think this has been enough pointless ranting for one evening, eh? Till next time...

Insert witty title here....

I’m still alive! I have not died from starvation or coffee deprivation. After reading Alicia Silverstone’s book, I realized you don’t have to completely change the way you eat to be healthy. (I know, im like some genius, right?) But I’m what would be considered “flirting” with being vegetarian. I don’t make meat a huge part of my life (gay men around the world are laughing). I’ve never really been much of a carnivore, but now I am much more aware of the things I put into my body (keep laughing) and what they do to my body. I have not completely cut out coffee, but I don’t drink it everyday. In my last post I mentioned that I thought of directing this blog towards health and The Kind Life. Well, it turns out, The Kind Life is just kind of common sense and I personally don’t think I could make the blog very interesting. So you know what that means kids, more about my oh so fabulous boring life in a small town. Let’s catch up shall we?

I am definitely in the throws of (oh how badly I want to type passion) the winter blues. I keep telling myself that spring is right around the corner….son of a bitch it’s snowing again. Most of my friends are back at college now, excited for summer break. And as usual, that get’s me thinking about all of the things NOT going on in my life. I am still working at the little coffee shop, still not making enough money. I have been thinking a lot about what I need to do to get the ball rolling. The problem is, I’m not sure which direction to roll it. In this area, you either become a teacher, work in a factory, get into the medical field, or work on the army depot. Well, I don’t see really any of those happening. I have seriously thought of the medical field. My favorite show is Nurse Jackie (I know it’s fiction, but still…), my favorite blog is Pee and Sympathy (shout out!) and my cousin is an RN (don’t really know what else to say...yay Jaime!) All of these people do great things in nursing, help the sick, save lives, so much more! But I honestly don’t think I could handle it. There is so much put on the shoulders of nurses. Though it can’t be easy, nurses need to be able to disconnect in a way when they leave the hospital. My cousin for example, she leaves the emergency room and comes home to be a wife and mother of three. I truly wouldn’t be able to “disconnect”. When people ask me what I would love to do with my life, I tell them “Just….write”. I usually get some eye rolls and smirks. But it’s hard to start a career in writing. I am currently working on 3 different stories, I’m CONSTANTLY writing poems and songs. The problem with that is...besides my stories, what I write is usually really personal and I usually don’t let people see them. How can I get a writing career going when I’m afraid of people reading my stuff?!?! My best friend recently told me that I’m like a human sponge. People come to me with their problems and I sit and listen, then offer my care and support, and never show my emotions or judgement. Then she said something that startled me because I never realized it myself. She told me that the negative side to that is I carry everyones emotions and struggles with me. I never confess my own, but never let go of others. And that’s why I write. It finally hit me...THAT is why I write.

I truly believe that writers see and feel things on a different level. At least I’m hoping so or I must be really fucked up. I’m starting to think that the reason some songs can move me emotional so much is that, though I may not have experienced what the song is about, I understand the emotion it took to write it. I don’t know maybe I really am just a bit off. I just feel that (here I go with this feelings thing…) my emotions and my (here we go...drum roll please) feelings are directly connected to writing. I honestly cannot think of something I do that I am more connected to. Well, I could probably go on and on and on..but this post is too long as it is. I wonder if I even made a point of anything? Hmm...

Well...here we go!

The holidays are over! WOOT! This was probably the first and only year that I didn't care that the holidays flew by. And now we're almost finished with January! I'm definitely ready for spring. I need things to come back to life and be all nice and pretty and such. Here in south central PA, we have had probably the worst winter in years. The last time I remember winter being this bad was the year my nephew was born, and he just turned 7 this month. Yesterday was a small glimpse of spring, it got into the mid 50's but was accompanied by flooding rains.
So, I have been wanting to take this blog in a new interesting direction. The problem is that I had no clue where to take it. It is obvious and no secret that my life is not interesting enough to become an interesting blog. So..a little back story. As I'm sure you know Alanis Morissette is pretty much my own personal deity. A month or so ago she posted on her website her praises Alicia Silverstone's book The Kind Diet. For quite some time I have been looking for some kind of cleansing diet. In a nutshell, I'm 19 years old and so tired of waking up in the mornings feeling exhausted and never getting that boost of energy no matter what. I have been wanting to turn to a more organic, natural diet. Every kind of organic diet or body cleansing that I have stumbled across have seemed a little scary to me. How does your body not shut down after a day or two? Isn't food kind of a necessity? Well I did a little research on The Kind Diet via Alicia's website www.thekindlife.com and very much liked what I was reading. What the Kind Diet does is simply take out all things harmful to your body..common sense right? Essentially it isn't really a diet, or at least what our society now considers a diet. There is no calorie counting..no fasting...simply eating things you really should be eating in the first place. Another thing I really like is that Alicia isn't putting her beliefs and practices out there saying "this is what is right, it works for me so it is the best thing to do". This book was written with the help of medical experts and health specialists. It also shows you how to live a healthy and eco-friendly life, which I have been wanting to do for some time now.
Now, for the things that will be hard for me. The Kind Diet suggests cutting out all meat and dairy products. This will no doubt be challenging. I think one of the reasons this will be so challenging is that I am still (unfortunately) living with my parents, sister and nephew. I will have to do all of this on my own, while everyone else goes about their regular eating habits. I will have to buy the groceries myself, which I have no problem with, but living in a house with others...I think you see where I'm going. The one thing that I am absolutely not looking forward to....no coffee. It is no secret that caffeine is not the best thing for your body. Some of you may know that my drug of choice is coffee. Hell, I work in a coffee shop! But I don't just drink coffee, the coffee I make probably has the same affect as crack. I have seen people all but throw themselves off of a bridge after drinking my coffee. And I'm not even sure if I want to totally give up coffee. I LOVE the taste of coffee. I literally cannot start my day without coffee. If I try to go without I get horrible headaches...mega mood swings...shaky...aka withdraw. I have been watching Celebrity Rehab to prep myself. I am expecting body aches, chills, seizures, and the occasional vomiting blood. I have Dr. Drew and an Exorcist on stand-by.
So..where am I going with all of this rambling? I will be blogging about my experiences..good and bad...with the Kind Diet. I ordered my copy from amazon last night, so I will probably be starting in a week or so. Am I saying this is turning into a "diet blog"? Not at all. There will just be a better reason to write/read my blog. I'm hoping to get some more readers! I would greatly appreciate any feedback from my posts and would love to hear your experiences with healthy eating! Well...I have rambled on long enough. Till next time!

Epic End of 2009 Blog!!!

At the end of every year I usually write about my experiences over the past 12 months. I knew as December came to an end that what I wrote for 2009 would be pretty long. So, if you can’t handle reading a lot....you’re in trouble. On the last day of 2008, I made a video with a friend. We discussed how much we hated 2008 and hoped that 2009 would be so much better. Thinking back to that time I have to chuckle a little bit. I had to clue that the events of the upcoming year would be a slap in the face, a changed perspective, and in many ways, a test of my soul. I truly believe 2009 has been the craziest year of my life so far. A bitter-sweet chapter in my life.

In November of 2008 my family was hit hard with the devastating news that my beloved aunt Annette had stage 4 cancer. We never would have imagined she would leave us. She had been the rock of our entire family. A larger than life personality always accompanied by a good laugh and a warm embrace. But in April of 2009, Annette left us all. It has been by far the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It was a guarantee that the year would forever be remembered as the year Annette died. It took me a long time to be able to think about her without completely breaking down. It is still extremely hard at times. The little random things that remind me of her is what hurts the most.

In June, a few weeks after my birthday, I had the great chance to go see 100 Monkeys in concert. I know most of you have never heard of them. One of the band members is Jackson Rathbone, Jasper Hale in the Twilight series. The band is basically four friends (plus “Uncle Larry”) who hop on stage and just have a good time.

In September, as a late birthday gift, my sister drove us to Columbus, Ohio to see one of my favorite bands, Kings of Leon. It was definitely a trip I will always remember. Once we entered out shitty hotel room in a shitty part of the city, I was sure the trip was doomed. But then we got to the concert...and walked right up to the stage. I could not believe we were right in front! Did I mention it was a packed ARENA?!?!?!

The day of the Kings of Leon concert it was announced that one of my all time favorite bands, The Cranberries, were reuniting for the first time in nearly seven years. So on November 12th, my sister and I went to Baltimore. We stood outside for about 2 hours before the show started. When we walked in we walked right up to the stage like at the Kings of Leon concert, but this time the stage was actually within arms reach! Kings of Leon is my favorite current band. The Cranberries have always been my favorite band, and they will always have special meaning to me. It is really hard for me to describe the connection I have with their music. On so many occasions I feel as though I could have written many of their songs. When Dolores walked on stage, it was one of the most surreal things. She sang to people in the audience throughout the night, including me. Then the band starting playing “Ode To My Family”, a song that has a lot of meaning for me. Dolores walked along the edge of the stage brushing hands with everyone, then she grabbed mine. She held my hand and looked me in the eyes and smiled. Now I’m sure it was simply luck, but it was as though she understood the importance to me. That entire experience is something I will never ever forget and am so beyond grateful before.

This year I have also had to learn forgiveness, something I thought I already understood. In November of 2008, the same month my aunt was diagnosed, I began talking to someone I thought was just too good to be true. Well, he was. He was going through a hard time in his life and needed me for support. When he was done going through some particularly difficult things, he was done with me. This hit me very hard. With my aunt so sick, and feeling so betrayed and used, I became a very bitter person. It took me a very long time to get over this person. Mainly because I never understood what happened. Do I think it is fair what happened? Not at all. But I realize that is just how some people are. Some people are selfless, some selfish. He has a boyfriend now, and I wish them happiness. Something I could not have imagined before, I truly mean now.

I have had to let go of what seems to be more friends this year. Luckily this time it wasn’t because of drug addiction or completely stupid decisions. I feel that these years are very very important in making someone who they are. These are kind of the trial and error years. Some people realize that they work together. Some just grow into entirely different people. Both with goals and with maturity. But I still have those few friends that I honestly don’t know what I would do without. I thank you so very much. And thank you to my family. Though there may be stupid little tiffs every once in a while, we always come together. I am very anxious to meet new friends. I have met many people on facebook that I hope very much so to meet in person. Just because we have not met in person yet does not mean you are not important to me.

As most of you know, I always have a song to go with every mood, every time period, everything really. Thinking back on this year, I was having a hard time coming up with a song. There were devastating, dark lows. But there were unbelievable highs that I could never have imagined. There were people I thought I could trust and I thought were my close friends, but they turned out to be someone completely different. There were days I thought seemed so ordinary and dull, then my eyes were opened to something new and exciting. After thinking over all of this, two words came to my mind. Thank You. Because of this crazy year, I have had one hell of a learning experience. I honestly believe this year has helped to make me a better person. I feel a little uneasy posting this nearly two weeks before the new year, since I have learned that so much can happen in such little time, but I would like to post this as a kind of Christmas gift to myself. To sit back, take a breath, and think of the past year.

I leave you with a song by a woman who has helped me heal, love, and forgive. “Thank You” by Alanis Morissette. Read the lyrics and make of them what you can. They have their own meanings for me. Then listen to the song. Sing along with it. Singing the ending of the song while home alonge or driving in your car is very therapeutic ;)
I know this was long, thanks to those who read it all.


Thank U lyrics

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUmQXnBPeb0

December already?

Where has time gone? When I was in school time always seemed to go so slow. Now that I've been out of school for a while now, I've stopped counting time by months. It blows my mind to think that this is the last month of 2009. I will post a blog later about my year in review...probably in January. So my last blog about me being sick...well I'm still trying to get over that. I thought I was ok, until sunday morning at 3am when I woke up with a horrible pain in my head and had to go to the ER. Well I have a pretty hardcore sinus infection. Apparently so hardcore the Doc had to give me vicodine. Yea..vicodine. It is only the second day of December, and boy can you feel it. The weather here in PA is cold and rainy. My room is lit by a hazelnut scented candle and Christmas tunes can be heard humming from my iTunes. This really gets me in the mood for the holidays. Though I'm excited, I can't help but think of how things might be if I had that "special someone". It seems that this Christmas everyone has that someone, and I can't help but feel like the little kid who is left out of the game, or picked last at dodgeball or something. But oh well, I suppose things happen...or don't happen...for a reason. My family is getting our Christmas tree on Saturday. We go to a place that takes us on a hay ride out into a Christmas Tree field where we saw down our own tree. We then go back to the main barn for some hot chocolate, then wander over and visit with the live reindeer. It's a cheesy little family tradition that I still enjoy. The evening will be spent listening to Christmas music, drinking eggnog, and decorating the tree. This weekend we are also getting our Goldendoodle puppy. His name is Dexter :-)
till next time...

Tis The Season?

Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE autumn. I love the cool weather, the changing leaves, all of it. Over the past year or so, there is one thing I kind of forgot about...the flu. Oh yes my friends, I have been hit with the pain the ass flu. Is it the swine flu? you may ask..my answer-I don't know..but I do know it is beyond annoying. It has been a while since I've been this sick. I should have seen it coming though, my sister got sick about 2 days before I did. She has been sick for about 5 days now...and it's not looking much better. I first came down with a sore throat (which is still driving me crazy) and massive cold chills (thank god they left). Now I am also plagued with massive head congestion and my left ear feels like it is going to explode. I haven't really slept in two days because when I lay down my head begins to pound, I can't breathe out of my nose, and my throat feels like I swallowed glass. Sick of me ranting? Sorry, but I'm sick of being sick. I'm not one to act as though when I get the flu it's my last days..I just find it very annoying and inconvenient. Oooh! My right nostril just opened! Gah, never mind. The good thing is that I have off work until Friday. Go figure though, I get a mini vacation and get the flu. Oh and did I mention my family is coming to my house for Thanksgiving? Yea, should be interesting. Sorry if I wasted your time with my bitching and moaning. After laying in bed for 2 days, I'm running out of things to do...since sleep isn't much of an option. Ah, my nose has cleared for the moment...I shall enjoy the luxury while I can.

These Are Days

Well, it has been a lot longer than expected since I posted my last blog. I’m not even sure if anyone has read my previous/first post. But I felt that the time is appropriate to make another post. As I mentioned in my first blog, I am a young gay man from a small town. It has been pretty tough at times coming to terms with my sexuality. Finally, 3 years after coming out to my friends and my parents, I can say I feel pretty good at where I’m at with my identity. It has been a struggle with my mom, who with all respect, is very selfish and likes to make things about her. She has sent me into my darkest hours. After 3 years of us not really communicating with one another, she has finally come around. I think that it helps that I have become some what of an activist for LGBT youth.

I hold the Matthew Shepard story very close to my heart. I have been reading the book his mom, Judy Shepard, wrote called The Meaning of Matthew. It has affected me in ways I didn’t think possible. On October 28th 2009, 11 years after Matthew’s murder, the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act was finally signed into a law by President Obama. Now I am not a political person, but I can tell you that President Obama has gained a lot of respect from me. I was so happy that my mom could share the happiness with me. I was shocked when she told me how proud she was of me for being involved in all that I am involved in. In times where it seems as though there is so much dark in the world, I feel like this was a little ray of light. If you don’t know the Matthew Shepard story, please pick up Judy Shepard’s book, it will forever change you.

Reading Judy’s book, and witnessing the changes occurring within the LGBT community, it makes me so very proud to be who I am. And to those who are struggling with finding themselves, understanding themselves, accepting themselves....it is a long and difficult process. At times you will be full of doubt, anger, and questions that seem to have no answers. But the answers will come, the light of understanding will come. Hang in there. As I listen to the song “These Are Days” by 10,000 Maniacs, I can’t help but smile and sing along. Times are changing. Be a part of the change. :-D)

songs of the moment:

These Are Days-10,000 Maniacs

True Colors-Cyndi Lauper (if you’ve never heard the acoustic version, buy it on itunes asap!)

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http://twitter.com/Tommy9008

make sure you say hi!