Epic End of 2009 Blog!!!

At the end of every year I usually write about my experiences over the past 12 months. I knew as December came to an end that what I wrote for 2009 would be pretty long. So, if you can’t handle reading a lot....you’re in trouble. On the last day of 2008, I made a video with a friend. We discussed how much we hated 2008 and hoped that 2009 would be so much better. Thinking back to that time I have to chuckle a little bit. I had to clue that the events of the upcoming year would be a slap in the face, a changed perspective, and in many ways, a test of my soul. I truly believe 2009 has been the craziest year of my life so far. A bitter-sweet chapter in my life.

In November of 2008 my family was hit hard with the devastating news that my beloved aunt Annette had stage 4 cancer. We never would have imagined she would leave us. She had been the rock of our entire family. A larger than life personality always accompanied by a good laugh and a warm embrace. But in April of 2009, Annette left us all. It has been by far the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It was a guarantee that the year would forever be remembered as the year Annette died. It took me a long time to be able to think about her without completely breaking down. It is still extremely hard at times. The little random things that remind me of her is what hurts the most.

In June, a few weeks after my birthday, I had the great chance to go see 100 Monkeys in concert. I know most of you have never heard of them. One of the band members is Jackson Rathbone, Jasper Hale in the Twilight series. The band is basically four friends (plus “Uncle Larry”) who hop on stage and just have a good time.

In September, as a late birthday gift, my sister drove us to Columbus, Ohio to see one of my favorite bands, Kings of Leon. It was definitely a trip I will always remember. Once we entered out shitty hotel room in a shitty part of the city, I was sure the trip was doomed. But then we got to the concert...and walked right up to the stage. I could not believe we were right in front! Did I mention it was a packed ARENA?!?!?!

The day of the Kings of Leon concert it was announced that one of my all time favorite bands, The Cranberries, were reuniting for the first time in nearly seven years. So on November 12th, my sister and I went to Baltimore. We stood outside for about 2 hours before the show started. When we walked in we walked right up to the stage like at the Kings of Leon concert, but this time the stage was actually within arms reach! Kings of Leon is my favorite current band. The Cranberries have always been my favorite band, and they will always have special meaning to me. It is really hard for me to describe the connection I have with their music. On so many occasions I feel as though I could have written many of their songs. When Dolores walked on stage, it was one of the most surreal things. She sang to people in the audience throughout the night, including me. Then the band starting playing “Ode To My Family”, a song that has a lot of meaning for me. Dolores walked along the edge of the stage brushing hands with everyone, then she grabbed mine. She held my hand and looked me in the eyes and smiled. Now I’m sure it was simply luck, but it was as though she understood the importance to me. That entire experience is something I will never ever forget and am so beyond grateful before.

This year I have also had to learn forgiveness, something I thought I already understood. In November of 2008, the same month my aunt was diagnosed, I began talking to someone I thought was just too good to be true. Well, he was. He was going through a hard time in his life and needed me for support. When he was done going through some particularly difficult things, he was done with me. This hit me very hard. With my aunt so sick, and feeling so betrayed and used, I became a very bitter person. It took me a very long time to get over this person. Mainly because I never understood what happened. Do I think it is fair what happened? Not at all. But I realize that is just how some people are. Some people are selfless, some selfish. He has a boyfriend now, and I wish them happiness. Something I could not have imagined before, I truly mean now.

I have had to let go of what seems to be more friends this year. Luckily this time it wasn’t because of drug addiction or completely stupid decisions. I feel that these years are very very important in making someone who they are. These are kind of the trial and error years. Some people realize that they work together. Some just grow into entirely different people. Both with goals and with maturity. But I still have those few friends that I honestly don’t know what I would do without. I thank you so very much. And thank you to my family. Though there may be stupid little tiffs every once in a while, we always come together. I am very anxious to meet new friends. I have met many people on facebook that I hope very much so to meet in person. Just because we have not met in person yet does not mean you are not important to me.

As most of you know, I always have a song to go with every mood, every time period, everything really. Thinking back on this year, I was having a hard time coming up with a song. There were devastating, dark lows. But there were unbelievable highs that I could never have imagined. There were people I thought I could trust and I thought were my close friends, but they turned out to be someone completely different. There were days I thought seemed so ordinary and dull, then my eyes were opened to something new and exciting. After thinking over all of this, two words came to my mind. Thank You. Because of this crazy year, I have had one hell of a learning experience. I honestly believe this year has helped to make me a better person. I feel a little uneasy posting this nearly two weeks before the new year, since I have learned that so much can happen in such little time, but I would like to post this as a kind of Christmas gift to myself. To sit back, take a breath, and think of the past year.

I leave you with a song by a woman who has helped me heal, love, and forgive. “Thank You” by Alanis Morissette. Read the lyrics and make of them what you can. They have their own meanings for me. Then listen to the song. Sing along with it. Singing the ending of the song while home alonge or driving in your car is very therapeutic ;)
I know this was long, thanks to those who read it all.


Thank U lyrics

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUmQXnBPeb0

December already?

Where has time gone? When I was in school time always seemed to go so slow. Now that I've been out of school for a while now, I've stopped counting time by months. It blows my mind to think that this is the last month of 2009. I will post a blog later about my year in review...probably in January. So my last blog about me being sick...well I'm still trying to get over that. I thought I was ok, until sunday morning at 3am when I woke up with a horrible pain in my head and had to go to the ER. Well I have a pretty hardcore sinus infection. Apparently so hardcore the Doc had to give me vicodine. Yea..vicodine. It is only the second day of December, and boy can you feel it. The weather here in PA is cold and rainy. My room is lit by a hazelnut scented candle and Christmas tunes can be heard humming from my iTunes. This really gets me in the mood for the holidays. Though I'm excited, I can't help but think of how things might be if I had that "special someone". It seems that this Christmas everyone has that someone, and I can't help but feel like the little kid who is left out of the game, or picked last at dodgeball or something. But oh well, I suppose things happen...or don't happen...for a reason. My family is getting our Christmas tree on Saturday. We go to a place that takes us on a hay ride out into a Christmas Tree field where we saw down our own tree. We then go back to the main barn for some hot chocolate, then wander over and visit with the live reindeer. It's a cheesy little family tradition that I still enjoy. The evening will be spent listening to Christmas music, drinking eggnog, and decorating the tree. This weekend we are also getting our Goldendoodle puppy. His name is Dexter :-)
till next time...

Tis The Season?

Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE autumn. I love the cool weather, the changing leaves, all of it. Over the past year or so, there is one thing I kind of forgot about...the flu. Oh yes my friends, I have been hit with the pain the ass flu. Is it the swine flu? you may ask..my answer-I don't know..but I do know it is beyond annoying. It has been a while since I've been this sick. I should have seen it coming though, my sister got sick about 2 days before I did. She has been sick for about 5 days now...and it's not looking much better. I first came down with a sore throat (which is still driving me crazy) and massive cold chills (thank god they left). Now I am also plagued with massive head congestion and my left ear feels like it is going to explode. I haven't really slept in two days because when I lay down my head begins to pound, I can't breathe out of my nose, and my throat feels like I swallowed glass. Sick of me ranting? Sorry, but I'm sick of being sick. I'm not one to act as though when I get the flu it's my last days..I just find it very annoying and inconvenient. Oooh! My right nostril just opened! Gah, never mind. The good thing is that I have off work until Friday. Go figure though, I get a mini vacation and get the flu. Oh and did I mention my family is coming to my house for Thanksgiving? Yea, should be interesting. Sorry if I wasted your time with my bitching and moaning. After laying in bed for 2 days, I'm running out of things to do...since sleep isn't much of an option. Ah, my nose has cleared for the moment...I shall enjoy the luxury while I can.

These Are Days

Well, it has been a lot longer than expected since I posted my last blog. I’m not even sure if anyone has read my previous/first post. But I felt that the time is appropriate to make another post. As I mentioned in my first blog, I am a young gay man from a small town. It has been pretty tough at times coming to terms with my sexuality. Finally, 3 years after coming out to my friends and my parents, I can say I feel pretty good at where I’m at with my identity. It has been a struggle with my mom, who with all respect, is very selfish and likes to make things about her. She has sent me into my darkest hours. After 3 years of us not really communicating with one another, she has finally come around. I think that it helps that I have become some what of an activist for LGBT youth.

I hold the Matthew Shepard story very close to my heart. I have been reading the book his mom, Judy Shepard, wrote called The Meaning of Matthew. It has affected me in ways I didn’t think possible. On October 28th 2009, 11 years after Matthew’s murder, the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act was finally signed into a law by President Obama. Now I am not a political person, but I can tell you that President Obama has gained a lot of respect from me. I was so happy that my mom could share the happiness with me. I was shocked when she told me how proud she was of me for being involved in all that I am involved in. In times where it seems as though there is so much dark in the world, I feel like this was a little ray of light. If you don’t know the Matthew Shepard story, please pick up Judy Shepard’s book, it will forever change you.

Reading Judy’s book, and witnessing the changes occurring within the LGBT community, it makes me so very proud to be who I am. And to those who are struggling with finding themselves, understanding themselves, accepting themselves....it is a long and difficult process. At times you will be full of doubt, anger, and questions that seem to have no answers. But the answers will come, the light of understanding will come. Hang in there. As I listen to the song “These Are Days” by 10,000 Maniacs, I can’t help but smile and sing along. Times are changing. Be a part of the change. :-D)

songs of the moment:

These Are Days-10,000 Maniacs

True Colors-Cyndi Lauper (if you’ve never heard the acoustic version, buy it on itunes asap!)

if you are into the whole twitter thing. you can follow me here

http://twitter.com/Tommy9008

make sure you say hi!

Greetings

Well, I must say, me starting this blog is a bit random. I can remember being in junior high when Xanga was the cool thing, so of course I had an account. That lasted about a year, then myspace and facebook came along. I'm doing this as a bit of an experiment. I enjoy reading other peoples blogs, I like to see what others have to say. I was wondering if anyone would be interested in what I have to say. Now I won't lie to you, I can be pretty random. And while I may know what I'm talking about...things can get a little lost in translation.

So, shall I say a little about me?

My name is Tommy. I'm 19. I live in a small boring little town in Pennsylvania. I'm gay. So yea, the whole small town thing makes it all that much more interesting. I'm out to most of my family. I am single. I work in a coffee shop inside of a grocery store (o yea, you read that correctly). I should be in college, but I'm not. I write a lot. Music is my life. I would love to play the guitar and piano. I sing all the time (dear jesus am I horrible!). I am pretty sarcastic/witty. Some call it a gift...some. Well, if you want to know more, let me know! I hope you enjoy my posts! Wow, with all of these exclamation marks, you'd think I was really excited or something!