HSP Diaries- Never Again.

I went to my family doctor on Wednesday to see what my options were for managing my sensitivity related stress.

He kind of knew what I was talking about

But he was running behind, so the appointment was rushed. 

He decided that I needed Paroxetine, a kind of Paxil, to take the edge off

I wasn't fond of that idea. But he assured me it was a low dose and that if I didn't take something, I could become severely depressed. 

He also prescribed me a very low dose of Xanax, which I told him I certainly wasn't comfortable taking

He said, "See you in two weeks."

Yesterday I took my first dose of Paroxetine in the morning. 

"One pill, every morning."

Two hours later, the door to Hell was opened

And I still haven't left.

Two hours after swallowing the tiny white oval, my world didn't matter. Nothing mattered. 

Time had no meaning.

There was no sadness.

Or anger.

Or happiness.

An intense feeling of "this is not right, something is definitely wrong", but feeling completely helpless about it.

And can we talk about how light headed I was? 

Grab onto something quick because you're going down! kind of light headed.

I had to work yesterday afternoon/evening and I couldn't even finish my shift. 

Actually, a lot of yesterday was a blur.

I was exhausted. SO exhausted.

But I haven't slept.

I tossed and turned all night. Only getting 3 hours of sleep. And I'm wide awake.

I have to be at work in 2.5 hours. I have absolutely no clue how I'm going to make it through my shift.

My head is pounding. I'm exhausted. Every time I yawn, my hands feel as though they are cramping up.

My doctor will be getting a call today.

I was told my body has to get used to the the drug.

I don't want to get used to this feeling!

I don't want to not feel anything!

It makes no sense really, why I was prescribed the drug.

It's used to treat sever depression and anxiety (among other things).

Not for mild depression caused by severe stress. 

Never again.

I went from being hyper aware, to completely unaware of everything around me.

I have never taken any kind of antidepressant before, and will never again.

I thought this was something that there would be no natural solution for. But there has to be one better than this.

Be kind. Know your body. Ask questions. Do your research.

A Return To Innocence

It has been nearly 7 months since I've blogged last.

Holy crap.

To be honest, I lost steam.
I began forcing myself to post things, just so I didn't feel like a failure at blogging.
I write. A lot.
But it was hard for me to write interesting things every day. I wanted to be entertaining and insightful and informative. I wanted to prove that veganism and being kind to the environment and people and animals was fun. Because it is! But I noticed that I was started to go about it in a way that wasn't very fun for me. I tried not to get too "deep" for fear of turning people off. I tried to be extra peppy sometimes, turning myself off.

So I stopped.

A few months ago, I began making random and odd YouTube videos. But again, I found that I was trying too hard to be constantly peppy and, well, trying to force a part of who I am to be the whole of who I am. Make sense?

So I stopped.
Well, stopped forcing it, anyway.

Why can't I be like this person or that person? Why does it feel like being me is so confusing and exhausting? Then I began to think. A lot. I always have. I over think things until I'm on the verge of losing my mind.
Why am I so conflicted with myself?
Why do things affect me more than they seem to affect others?
Ever since I was a little kid, I was always told to "let it go", but never could and still can't seem to.
Why have my relationships been so tumultuous?
The list could go on and on and on. And does.

Turns out, I make up small portion of people (20%) that is considered to be "highly sensitive".
No, that doesn't mean that I cry at the drop of a hat, or that I'm a "wimp".
In a nutshell ( a very condensed nutshell), my brain takes in WAY more than is necessary.

This new revelation is something I am trying very hard to understand completely. I am at a point in my life where intense stress is almost an every day thing. I have bad days. I have really bad days. And I have really good days.

I want to take you on this journey. You may very well find that you too are and HSP (highly sensitive person). We're not a very large group of people, but we are a very special group of people.

There are many characteristics that hold true primarily with HSP's, that I honestly didn't know were special to me...so to speak. I just thought I was weird. Well, more so than the average person.

This blog will continue to be about veganism and the environment and animals and kindness.
But it will also be about mental health, spirituality, the exploring of emotions and so much more.

Over the next few weeks or so, I will be uploading some videos of me talking about what it means to be an HSP. And what it doesn't mean. I'll end this post by providing links to some articles that are very helpful in understanding what high sensitivity is all about. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I will answer them the best that I can.
I know that this will not be entirely accepted by some. I have already dealt with those who roll their eyes at the topic. But it IS real. It is very real. I hope that if anything, I can expand and open your mind.

Be kind. Be curious. Be accepting of your special self.

Characteristics of Highly Sensitive People
Being an HSP